Sunday, April 15, 2012

An Interesting weekend and echo's of life.

I found This weekend while frantically cleaning and putting together the apt. for my cousin whom I haven't seen since the 90's. It was a hand written letter less than 30 days before my mom died I fell apart after reading it. It hit my heart hard and still rang true in what i need to still do. This is what it said:

Dear Rob, Richard          12-20-03

 This letter isn't meant to judge, criticize, or complain. It's just what I am feeling and much need to express out loud to my son's. It's more about your dad and me failing you as parents. Your dad's world was all about possessions, getting them at any cost. Lying, (about me ) mostly- and living in a fantasy world.

Mine was passive and submissive and it made me very angry inside. your dad didn't want to take responsibility for Donna, not seeing you boys, not being a father- So he lied and said I wouldn't  let him see you boys. He didn't come if we did food or clothes he just cared about his own needs- I never had the nerve to discipline you boys,( set limits or stand up to him.), limits, boundaries, teach you responsibility- I never let you experience your feelings- be let down, learn that the world is not fair at ALL !!!

We all always chose the easy way out- This isn't going to go away guys- I'm getting weaker & shorter of breathe. We have to face reality - I am not going to make it thru this.

I am scared to death what is going to happen to you guys when our little "help" isn't available anymore for you both. I'm still taking responsibility for your lives- I can't do it anymore it's time to either make it or break it.

Finish school you know you can do it- be proud of yourself for going back to school. Become the people you are meant to be boys. Richard get help for your anger you shouldn't have to feel so angry & annoyed all the time- be proud of yourself for the person you will become with a little help from your friends & professionals. You both DESERVE to be HAPPY. but it's YOUR responsibility to MAKE yourselves happy not mine, not Krystal's, NOT Tim's. You both can only make yourselves happy.

Develope a relationship with YOUR Lord and Savior get in tough with your GOD- ask him for help pray to him, Richard you have elissa don't fail her the ways we failed you- Teach her respect, responsibility, set limits & behaviors and ABOVE all else LOVE HER AND LET HER KNOW IT!!

I'm Sorry for all the things that weren't right with us. I did the best I could but you all both need to do Better. Please resolve your relationship with each other. You are both brother's Love each other. Please forgive each other then let it go-

No one will ever be perfect here on Earth but you both are capable of doing better....

The rest is missing. The biggest lesson I am learning and had to learn is that she was right NO ONE can make you happy its all on you. Tim is Dead- She is Dead- Dad is Dead- Rich and I just don't mix. Ellisa wasn't his kid- Friends Die, Leave, get closer- relationships fail. So it all comes down to you all you are left with is you!!!!! I have found that I need to make my own kind of music per say... Find something that makes me happy again from me... not being with someone, or some possession.

I am finding faith slowly but surely, I am going to church today. (Hopefully)....
I am trying to fix myself. I will find the person I want to be. The respect for myself again. The Drive.

I forgave my Mom a long time ago go our lives, I hated to face it but I did that IT WASN'T HER FAULT FOR MY ADULT LIFE BEING SO SHITTY.  And she did do the best she could from nothing. She was taught nothing by her parents to teach us. She winged it she knew just that she wasn't going to beat her kids, Ignore feelings, repress. Not cover the fact that the whole family was messed up. She was true to her and not "tried to save face" to put up a front that the rest of the family did. No one is perfect. and Since she didn't know coping, She taught what she knew. So I know I am lacking some coping skills and am always looking for approval.

I will make you proud again Mama, I have tried for the last four years to forgive Richard, to be brothers, but right now our timing is off. I am sorry for that but all my effort and energy is spent with that. I will clean my life up and not continue to take the easy way out.

I miss you, I used to get so pissed when you would call me 10 times a day, but I miss hearing your voice on the phone, even nagging me to be better....YOU ARE NOT FORGOTTEN. YOU WERE A ROLE MODEL, YOU MADE A DIFFERENCE TO PEOPLE!!!!!

This weekend I also reconnected with my cousin Em. We filled in the blanks for each other with the family where they are unwilling, or it just can't be explained. But with out going into too much of it I FELT APART OF FAMILY AGAIN. She got me, my way of thinking, and understood. We had many parallels in life. My Mom made an impact on her life.  to hear that made me so happy.and it was refreshing that I wasn't totally crazy. I am going to maintain our relationship because I need family in life to be happy. I don't feel totally alone anymore.... THANK YOU EM!!!!!

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