Life isn't what you think it is.....mostly.

Life has a funny way of kicking you in the ass sometimes. I find this to be true most of the time. Over the last couple weeks I have found that I have had this growing feeling within myself of frustration, rage, and confusion.

Most days I bury it deep within the darkest recesses of my mind. Other days it's like a nuclear fallout that can't sustain life. Yet I try to live there. And as anyone would succumb to the pain, failures, disappointments, and fear.

I have learned the hard way this year that the way I have been living my life and relationship wasn't as perfect as I thought it. Without saying too much trust was broken, betrayal ensued, and ongoing lies were told.

But for once in a really long time We are working on it.

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October is one of the hardest months for me to cope with. In the past four years I coped with this months by being numbed out of my mind. This year is different in many ways. I am now been sober for six months and am active in my sobriety. There are other challenges also, my partner now is coping with the loss of his mother and the decline of his father. Several people close in my life is dealing with several similar challenges.

I am a bit more isolated by location, money, and other losses of my previous support system due to life and of course my previous using. I need my family dearly but with my parents gone, my brother still using, close friends that recently passed and the isolation that I have created through silence.

Four years ago my husband Tim took his life. Many who really know me knows this. My life I built with him of almost a decade crumbled quickly and for the first time in that time I was alone not know how to continue on with out him. I did an amazing job of destroying my life in the last several years up until April of this year.

Being four years later it surely doesn't feel like day one but it still has a pain, there still is a void. I think of him everyday. I miss him dearly. I am angry at him and of course myself. I spent a big focus on my "treatment" when starting recovery really working through it all.

But after completing the several different levels of treatment, and going to meetings, getting a sponsor, and working steps I found that the void that now have that I filled with the pain, the past and substances hasn't been filled by too much that can sustain me on a daily basis.

I stopped talking about the things troubling me, like Tim, family, my failures, lack of direction in life, and my needs for myself, and from others. I slowly stopped sharing in meetings, socializing with people and the friends trying to be present in my life. I never call my sponsor when I need to. I convince myself that my issues are less important and deep within myself I know it's fear on my part. She is an inspiring person that wouldn't think that.

The are new apparent issues because of using that are now acutely apparent now that I am sober that I  wasn't fully aware of  until I had some sobriety behind me.

In September of last year I had a minor stroke. I had to relearn to talk, walk, and use my hands. Now over a year later I can do those things but I stumble over my words, my "recall" of things can be slow, and I can even think one thing and say another.  It is a source of anxiety for me.

In November of  last year  I overdosed on benzo's and after detoxing I woke up with this slight buzz in my ear that is very much like when you goto a loud concert and have a buzz or ringing in your ears for several hours after. I hasn't gone away, after seeing doctors it's been labeled tinnitus and am told I will probably live with it for the rest of my life or that it will cause me to go deaf. There are days it drives me crazy it can be louder than my internal thoughts and I no longer can enjoy just silence.

The effects of opiates, benzos, MDMA, methamphetamine, and stimulants have slowed me down and     Intensified the stroke effects and lowered my IQ. It is something that has added to my anxiety and insecurities.

In may I was hospitalized for a bowel obstruction and almost had surgery. I changed my dietary habits totally, and crippled me most of the summer. I still live with bowel pain and prostititis on and off.

I say this not to be negative or to throw myself a huge pity party but to voice these things so I can let myself go of them more easily and to give myself a break and to let others in my life that these things plague me and that when I cancel plans, am withdrawn, am distant, etc. it's not them but them.

I ask that sometimes a friendly check in or push to be more social, or to follow through, or a nudge is sometimes all I need to get things going. And in turn I become more present in relationships, friendships, and recovery. I need that. I was blessed last night to actually call upon someone in recovery. I asked for help, I listened to the advise, I vented. And she welcomed me for it. I started a foundation of  what might be a great friendship. I need to do that more with my partner, long friends, new friends and sponsor. And to cut myself a break. Forgive myself. Be patient with myself and grow.  This is my October rant for the time being. Feel free to give much feedback it's welcomed. Till next time.

Robb

Doing what is right.

It's now 111 days since I have started my journey of sobriety and regaining mental health. I am defiantly in a different place than I was when I started but surely not yet where I am content with myself. I am continuing to better myself and be active within my sobriety. I struggle on a daily basis with this notion that yes on top of my many other "issues" I have this disease of addiction. This addiction knows me better than myself. It uses my weakness's against me. It adapts and adjusts to my cares and goals and tries piece by piece to unravel any joy I might create all to get me to use and further destroy my life.

I choose on a daily basis not let this happen. I feel like it's a Borg virus trying to assimilate me back to addiction using my mind, body, and soul. But I adapt to it. I have the tools to slow it down or jump its hoops to remain the person I have fought so hard to become.

I say this because some might think this is a easy task that all you need to do is "stop using". For me. For them. There are some days I am so drained that I don't want to fight myself but if I want to keep the path that I am walking that I fight the good fight with myself and keep moving forward.

There are many things in my live that I have a hard time accepting. I have expressed these things in previous blogs. I actually want and work towards being a viable human being. I have many great qualities that I haven't been expressing or using in my daily life. I want to change this. 

The Fight I have been fighting with myself has drained my self-esteem, a lot of my openness, and my willingness. Which has let doubt in, anger with self in, FEAR, pain. ETC. And it has let others that influence me to not be the person I would like to be. NO one should have that power or really has the right. And with running on reserves some days I would rather not be involved in "the drama" and shut my self off from it to be unhurt. But by me doing that I am just surviving and not living. I have this growing fear of living. That getting close will cause more loss,etc. but by taking no risks. By filtering out anything that MIGHT hurt, I am creating a risk free life that is no life worth living.

I enjoy helping others anyway I can. I haven't been helping many as of late. I have avoided conversations, events, friends, and social events that might better my depression, sense of loss and etc.  I apologize to people in my life that it has affected. My Partner. My Friend's ( you know who you are. Wink.) I haven't been me. just a watered down withdrawn version of myself. That is changing.

I am choosing to be me, to help and be apart of people's lives again. To be there for Jess, To help with my partner's father. To voice my true opinions again. To not stand for inequality. To be more than a "Tuesday friend" with Steph, to be more than a Facebook friend with Jen. 

I don't think in any way that I am better than anyone in life. Some might think this but if anything I feel inferior to most. Against all odd's I choose to be different than that. I deserve happiness again. A sense of family, even if some think it's wrong, or you shouldn't be a part of it. To be useful and more than labels.
 

finding hope after 90 days

It's a couple days after my 90 days "clean day" and it is much different than I thought it would look like.  There hasn't been a huge change in my world besides that I am doing it with a mind of sobriety. And yes that is huge for me. Really huge. And the personality traits that I been tweaking with drugs for the last four years are bleeding back. I have a general feeling of depression. A feeling of being reserved and introverted personality. This seems surprising to me because for so long I have been beyond open and not had a filter in me when things i felt needed to be said. The filter is back to the point I am nervous to talk with people. I now start to sweat when I have to talk in groups and I stumble with my speech. 

I also have a general sense of things are going to remain the echo of a life and never really come together. This feeds the depression and anxiety that I now live with and creep up at their worst just when I start to clear and feel better. I try and express this to people close to me and my therapists and I never really  like I get the point across that I am really struggling not with my sobriety but my sanity. 

I have this huge feeling of not really being connected the way I was even two months ago.  Two months ago I think there was more of a feeling of hope. Then there was this drive to rebuild our lives.  We were driven to move out Wisconsin once and for all. To escape the pull of loss that my partner and I have. I was driven to go back to school and get a at least part time job to get off of disability to restore my sanity. There was hope of rebuilding a feeling of family again with my partners family and my friends. To restoring that feeling of belonging to something again. 

Two month forward, I have been torn down by health problems of the GI variety, fear, roadblocks of life and really getting a feeling of not being wanted in a family structure. This starts to strip down my overall feeling of hope. I struggle every day with the feeling of not being a part of a family. With both of my parents being gone, my brother using my past against me not willing to or not being able to see change. To throw me under the bus when trying to save himself and convincing the rest of my distant family to follow. To be openly hated from a  portion of my partners family. That leaves one fact: family won't rebuild. 

Having one's identity attacked to have their relationship dismissed hurts.

Life has thrown us some road blocks with my partner's father which has thrown my partner and I into have to face somethings sooner than later. It changes our timeline of leaving Wisconsin. That's life it happens. I struggle with returning to school because of financial and trying to fix the destruction that my using created. So school isn't an option and getting off of disability is likely anytime soon. 

My main point to this really isn't totally clear. I just know that I remain sober against fighting myself and my limitations. I just know that I have trouble asking for help when I need It and I am feeling I need help with reclaiming some hope and happiness. It's hard to do when a feeling of darkness clouds us....

 

After 60 days.......................b...r...e...a...t...h...e

So I just passed my 60 days in my recovery and I am finding it hard to find happiness in my life.  I am struggling with picking up the pieces of my life and how tough that is. Rebuilding a life with someone without as much independent support support as I thought I have is even harder than I expected. Or least in the way I thought what it looked like. I find it is hard to cope with everyday life.It's difficult to deal with the way that I am being sheltered by people. 


Friends don't want to bother me with their issues right now and I appreciate that greatly but on the same dime with being sheltered I feel disconnected and more lonely. I am more depressed now then when I was using. That is normal from what I hear, but doesn't make it any easier to cope with.I have many problems that I didn't notice when I was using. I neglected myself and so many others. And now that the fog is gone they all are razor sharp and cut deep with me. I have many life interfering issues right now GI disorders, MOOD disorders, MEMORY disorders, and PERSONALITY disorders. I feel like a walking wound, no one sees me this way because of the mask that I am wearing right now. I am short and my patience is like a raw nerve. Most of this is because of how I feel about myself. I am angry with how I convinced myself that I was fine with just being known as a junkie. 

There is so much good that I have to give. I know that. But either the hardship of rebuilding my life, some Post Acute Withdrawal Symptoms, or both is pushing me towards the side that I lived for almost the past four years. The logic side of myself doesn't want to entertain the emotional side of myself. It say "Fuck the things that are touchy feeling feelings. I am tired of you!!!!" Its a cycle of its own. I am betrayed by my body, emotional self even my own thoughts and memories. For anyone out there that think that is easy to cope with let me know how you do it. 

I feel that I am losing myself to myself. I was had so much clarity after leaving inpatient. And some would say to just have faith. I have tried this faith thing. Just faith in myself. And faith without feeding that faith means nothing. That faith falls flat if you don't goto church and if your just surrounded by naysayers or NEGATIVITY. People need outlets like church to feel like they aren't alone in it all. I believe in the importance of that now.



I NEED (and this might sound selfish):TO be RespectedTO be Believed in.TO feel Connected.TO be Social.TO have WORKING TECH.TO be Independent.TO BE INFORMED.TO be able to SHARE my KNOWLEDGE with my someone.TO NOT BE TREATED LIKE A CHILD.TO HAVE A PURPOSE.TO find BALANCE.TO HAVE FAITH.TO WORK DAILY on MY SOBRIETY.TO HAVE FAMILY.



Some of these things I can't find again or YET.  Family is one that is gone and I don't see getting back anytime soon. Tim is gone, Patty is gone, Mom is gone, Dad is gone, my Brother can't be helped, Grandma & Grandpa is gone. Family is gone. 


This deff feels like a rant this time around, This is rants of living I guess. That's all I can muster this week. I'll update soon with something more positive and meaningful soon.

Robb

Another treatment...

I am on my way home after a three day stint of inpatient treatment. It was quite different this time around. Since it was a medical detox from the opiates that I was on from the eight days in the hospital with the bowel obstruction and prostatitis I was ok with the dextox and was monitored. It was very different from last time. Last time I was finding myself and direction not really sure if I wanted sobriety or if I wanted to be mentally healthy. I am now living recovery. And after spending three days detoxing I don't want to do that again.

I must now step back up and work my sobriety. I am heading back to the dual program at rogers west allis. And after today of working my way back into my life I am going to find meetings to go to almost everyday. Otherwise I feel the pull back to an unhealthy life. And I or anyone in my life really wants that. I want to "keep moving forward"...I am almost sixty days sober. And want to stay that way. Thank you everyone for making that happen. 

Reactions

The past couple weeks have been some of my more taxing weeks. The one's close to me might know why, but not for the ones that I would have sought to project.

I used to be so good at being the
Victim in my own life, I would enjoy in a way telling people how sad, painful, and hard my life was. Now being in the middle of a "WTF" Situation, I find it hard to talk to people about it. Not even being on the same pattern of thinking when in a crisis or a painful situation. I say this because it will become a major point later.

People react everyday, I know I use to react with impulse, Anger, aggression, sarcasm, and as the victim. Not even letting the idea cross my mind that yes, I am responsible for the position I in.

Being aware of my behavior, being able to change the way I look at the world or just a total change in how I see the world I didn't think it was possible. This self awareness is HUGE FOR ME . It changes the path for me in life, and bleeds into every aspect oft life.

I write this post while laying in a hospital bed for 8 days now. In a great deal of pain. I say this because pain is something that is all relative. I get asked everyday now many times in one day on a scale from 1-10 where is your pain. I have been hovering from 8-10 over the days of late and some would say my reactions to stimuli is not possible to someone that is in that level of pain. I say I choose not to react like most do to not let the pain take total control of my life and try to be functional. That's hard for some to understand. But there is another reason for this.

As many people know I am going through recovery and recently celebrated my 30ish some days. It was exciting that I was starting to live and believe I could live again sober. The clarity alone made it all worth it. Several things or lessons learned over the last month.

2 weeks ago I had an allergic reaction to Allegra 24. To the point of either losing my mind or life. This is what happened. When I realized that yes I was having an reaction to the one thing that should reverse an reaction I had to take an ambulance from Treatment to STALLIS Aurora Hospital. I noticed a strong reaction to that allergy. The Emt's were not getting what I was saying so didn't have a sense of ergancy to me. I know that I am very nervous to people in the healthcare field. ESP Doc's, Nurses.

The Emt's made a judgement based in my nervous reaction. Based on the simple fact I was twitchy and was being picked up from a treatment facility. The Emt's thought I was oding and that I was totally mentally I'll.

So I sat in the hospital for 3 hours before I received real treatment for the allergy. I ended up snapping at a nurse for how I was being treated. I took it in my hands to be an advocate for my own healthcare . And eventually the MD came in in and told me that there was Miss info. I understood it but on some level don't know how to advocate for self when people react to you because of their stereotypes.

It was a lesson learned.

Now sitting in my hospital bed for day 8 and still don't know why I am still in able to move my bowels.

The scary thing I am coping with is I am going through AODA and am active in my sobriety. But I am in a crazy situation being new in sobriety I come to the we for a real issue that has high level pain. That after several hours of being I was given an iv of morphine, dolatin, oral percs, and OXy's. (something that I almost didn't recover from and I almost killed my self with piece by piece.) So I am trying to cope, manage pain and addiction until I can return to treatment. I am scared about the high odds that I am going to withdrawal from all these opiates, and Narcs. That I walked in this place on two Meds and leaving with 12...
That it's quite possible I have to fight an addiction again. That this is frustrating. But I see the difference in my thought pattern and spoke my concerns with loved ones.

I am scared, it's ok to be. But the way I react to it is different .

Plus I am so grateful to have my partner Kurt, in my life I wouldn't have gotten treatment for my crazy or now unhealthy life if he did believe in me or trust that this time would be different..... I love you and I will always be there for you !

Finally Facing the past.

It's been two weeks since I started the Dual program at Roger's Memorial Hospital PHP. At the start of last week my confidence level was pretty high.  Now sitting here at the end of the week I am feeling confused by my emotions and didn't think I would end up so lost.

But I wonder if I feel lost, or if things are just overwhelming right now.  I am feeling a lot of different emotions.  As I work through and feel each of them there is an accompanied emotion of shame, fear, sadness, anger, and confusion.   These emotions would normally be thwarted by chemicals or be clouded by depression but now I am facing them head-on and that, perhaps, is why I'm feeling lost.  This is brand new territory for me.

Now that I face these things I have to be focused on the pain of them. It is so uncomfortable I wish I could get up and run from myself. But I can't. And it is OK to sit with these emotions and either talk about them  or sit quietly and reflect and wait till they pass.

I am facing one life event that changed my world that I have been stuck in. Now that the fog has lifted, I am left to face my gremlins in life.  Sometimes its like I'm starting all over again from square one. I thought I was living in ANGER now I understand that I have been doing a lot of  bargaining. When I first heard this there was a certain level of disbelieve but then my eyes were opened and I realize that I'm guilty of that.  So I am left with an assignment that is probably the toughest one yet.


November 1, 2008 my husband of almost ten years,Tim, decided he needed to check out. For some reason or another he had enough of his hard life and hung himself with a belt from a coat rack over our bedroom door in Shorewood. He was 28. 

"I am sorry."

I was at a Halloween party for the weekend. Two nights before the party I had the days off of work so I was dropped off by Tim. He said he would pick me up from work on Monday because he had the car. I took a bunch of ecstasy to 'get the night started'. The night before the party I had a choice to make and I made the wrong one. I had the choice to run home and pick up a cable to connect my BlackBook to a Plasma. Or run around the city before the party and get more more ecstasy for myself for the party. And that's what I did the night before everything changed. 

I was flying. I was rolling heavy and was rambling. I talked about Tim, about how I loved him, about how he changed my world for the better. I wrapped the conversation up with how hard things had become. The summer was our hardest and we went through a tough time. I said that I wished Tim would demand that the relationship would become closed. That if we couldn't do that I wish he would let me go. I remember that I started to cry. There was guilt there for saying that. Sadness because I knew Tim wanted me to be happy and I wasn't sure if he would ever come out and say it. 

Before I knew it it was almost noon and my phone rang. I saw my phone light up with my roommate, Matt's, face. I knew why he was calling. I knew somehow that he was going to say that Tim was dead. He was upset and asked if I was sitting down. He said Tim was gone and I became angry and said what do you mean he is gone. "What happened", I yelled and he switched the phone to His co-worker Joe.  Joe was the one who found him. Joe said that he took his life. I was shocked and I froze in that moment. I thought that maybe he went out the night before and drank a bit and there might have been an accident. When I heard that he was gone I slipped to the floor repeating NO NO NO! Thinking my life as I knew it was done. 


It's almost four years later and I am now in a wonderful relationship after going through two abusive relationships, three inpatient detoxes and suicide attempts, and a series of really hard deaths. Because of my behaviors and  actions and abuse I lost some really close friendships. They couldn't watch me slowly taken myself apart one piece at a time.  I don't blame them. I would have left also.


I am still haunted by Tim. Not the way I was last year but stuck in cycles of grieving. I realize the things now that have me stuck and the guilt of thinking that I pushed him to it. The pain of not seeing the signs he had left me. The torture in my head that I somehow deserve to be miserable in life now.  The fear that life with Tim wasn't as good as I remember it. That my relationship with the current guy was a catalyst for his death. Amongst others.


But I realize now that those ideas are based on an assumption that I had a lot of power.  It's unreal and arrogant to think that I had that much power. Anyone that knew Tim knew that he wouldn't do anything he didn't want to do. I know it isn't the popular thing to say but Tim had balls and he chose to end his life, by-passing self preservation built into our code. I always thought that I would be the one.


So I face this now with clarity and feelings that I have buried and detached from for so many years. I am starting to think that things DO happen for a purpose. That there are things at work that we can't explain with logic and science. I know cause I have lived some of those things first hand that if talked about would get me locked away for some time. But I am ok with that.


I say all this because facing it has taught me that it doesn't matter.  Why? Having answers to questions doesn't always dull the pain. The loss. It's about the life shared. The things that all I can say is Thank you toTim for the life we shared. I am changed for the better. It doesn't change the past but brightens the future that I now choose to live. 

He was a great man with flaws and, yes, his life ended way too soon but my destroying my life wasn't his intent. So I honor him by recovering and being the best man he taught me to be!

TREATMENT

This is my first weekend after treatment...
My first Saturday, and I find it challenging to distract myself or keep myself leveled. I can feel the pull on myself towards the easy way that I have been fighting off fairly easily over the last week... This is day 5 out of treatment or 10 days sober.

Remaining sober seems to mean that it has to becomes a lifestyle. I hate that thought. I need it be not a lifestyle but a way of thinking. I saw a lot of this going through AA/NA back in the day when I was in my teens. (Yupper's in my teen's there should have been some hindsight.) I would see people come through meetings and the steps and they would make sobriety their life. I never got it. I get it now being an adult with way too much info about treatment. Sometimes to make it happen to STAY sober or without. you have to become it. I still don't want to see me like that. I have no problem been seen as an addict, but for some reason I have trouble being seen as someone that has gone through treatment. Or NA.

When you go through treatment, after coming out of treatment people expect you to just be back to the person that I was before the breakdown or before starting to use. People are more sensitive around you, there is a lot to live up to. I am overwhelmed with this feeling that I can't really explain I just feel it. Maybe it's me . It could be me. I want this to be the last time I go through this. I know that it might very well not be. Relapse happens, ALL the time. It doesn't takes much. A thought left to bounce around without any notice. 

I am surrounded by labels. These labels become you in one way or another. I think a lot about labels. anyone that says that they aren't labeled or have been labeled doesn't remember what type of society they live in. being labeled in treatment can hit you hard. Very hard. I have many labels. Homosexual. Addict. Bi-polar. PTSD. Depressive. USER. AMGONGST OTHERS. It can be confusing. I know it can be overwhelming. How can someone label you something by sitting down and talking to you for five minutes in treatment. I am becoming to think that if you fall into a label you can become that label. Just because someone in a white coat labels you something that doesn't mean you are that. I am learning that on my own.

the whole point of this post isn't that treatment is bad. Treatment is what you can make it. What ever that might be. whatever it is. Take the good from it. leave the rest. and don't loose your core being. just loose the "unhealthy behaviors". Treatment also isn't what people think it is. You can't be cured of your illness in 3 days, 5 days, 7 days...it might take a lifetime!!! And I am not going to break because I was in treatment. You aren't the reason, I am. Remember that. That's my rant.

And the fog lifts, the plot twists.

So I sit here at my desk after a week of of absence and I feel like a kid seeing things for the first time. The fog in all reality has been lifted. Everything seems unusual, strange, new; and maybe it is, it's the first time i  am seeing it without chemical enhancement in months even years. It feels good but exhausting all at once. I have worked hard processing life of all the actions, reactions,emotions, behaviors, and everything that has followed over the past four years and there is a lot of shame for my actions.  It is hard readjusting to life at home, and falling back into life after being in a completely controlled environment.  Everything seems like I never saw it.  Not my old life I left but the one I can create for myself.  I have done some CRAZY things that I normally would have never have of done. But I did them, nothing I can do now can change them. I accept that...Which is HUGE for me. It's a feeling I don't believe I have felt before about anything in my life.

Roger's showed me a lot about myself, people, and how the world works. One wouldn't think that about that place, "It's just for the crazies and druggies". But I am one of them. You really have to look at it like someone that has a chronic illness. That to remain alive or healthy has to be on medication. And monitor a physical symptom. That is what having a mental illness or being an addict is. And yes those things are a part of me and shined for many years has been my main identity for years they now are just a fraction of whom I am. I am an artist, a creative thinker, a supportive person, a graphic designer, an intelligent person, a lover, a friend, a PERSON.

I open a new chapter of my life where I make amends where needed, process things when confronted with them, and be me. I have done some CRAZY things that I normally would have never have of done. But I did them, nothing I can do now can change them. I accept that...Which is HUGE for me. It's a feeling I don't believe I have felt before about anything in my life. I do this with the support and help from myself, my friends, and partner. That feels good for the first time as I type. I am grateful for all the help that I got, support and esp. to my partner. Working with me everyday.

There will be more to come....God I missed music....lol...

The first steps!!!!!!!!

Today is the day that I start a path that might actually lead me to the happiness I have searched for my entire life. I know that sounds pretty dramatic, and it of course will not be that grand. But I am owning up for the shitractular last four years. I am putting an end to the "easy way " out that my mom so put it, and I am ending my way of coping. No more DRUGS to use as coping skills. No more letting my crazed mood swings take over my life and no more always being paranoid that this is the day I lose it all. I am going into TREATMENT.

I know what most that know me am thinking , but Robb you have been in it so many times at so many places. Well yes I have and I never really took it that seriously. I did to a point but if it mean that I would truly open and Honestly Quit, or face issues, myself or others it would always fall short.

I want this to be different. the start to a healthy life. I know it won't happen over night or just because I am spending a couple days in treatment. but this time I am going to push myself, Learn how to control myself behaviors and LET SOME OF THIS BAGGAGE GO!!!! I think I have earned that.

I am not going to set myself up to fail again but I am stopping and making Different choices opposition from what I did. And I hope that I can recover myself and the battered friendships and relationships that I have mental abused for so long.

So I know this entry didn't have much directions other to DECLARE this, but I ask for faith from people that hey maybe this time just maybe it will be the time I stop and finally win my life back. .

So I am "disconnection for a bit and will be back after a short time I might return Robin Ryan Ainslie. The one people remember and admired.

An Interesting weekend and echo's of life.

I found This weekend while frantically cleaning and putting together the apt. for my cousin whom I haven't seen since the 90's. It was a hand written letter less than 30 days before my mom died I fell apart after reading it. It hit my heart hard and still rang true in what i need to still do. This is what it said:

Dear Rob, Richard          12-20-03

 This letter isn't meant to judge, criticize, or complain. It's just what I am feeling and much need to express out loud to my son's. It's more about your dad and me failing you as parents. Your dad's world was all about possessions, getting them at any cost. Lying, (about me ) mostly- and living in a fantasy world.


Mine was passive and submissive and it made me very angry inside. your dad didn't want to take responsibility for Donna, not seeing you boys, not being a father- So he lied and said I wouldn't  let him see you boys. He didn't come if we did food or clothes he just cared about his own needs- I never had the nerve to discipline you boys,( set limits or stand up to him.), limits, boundaries, teach you responsibility- I never let you experience your feelings- be let down, learn that the world is not fair at ALL !!!


We all always chose the easy way out- This isn't going to go away guys- I'm getting weaker & shorter of breathe. We have to face reality - I am not going to make it thru this.


I am scared to death what is going to happen to you guys when our little "help" isn't available anymore for you both. I'm still taking responsibility for your lives- I can't do it anymore it's time to either make it or break it.


Rob-
Finish school you know you can do it- be proud of yourself for going back to school. Become the people you are meant to be boys. Richard get help for your anger you shouldn't have to feel so angry & annoyed all the time- be proud of yourself for the person you will become with a little help from your friends & professionals. You both DESERVE to be HAPPY. but it's YOUR responsibility to MAKE yourselves happy not mine, not Krystal's, NOT Tim's. You both can only make yourselves happy.


Develope a relationship with YOUR Lord and Savior get in tough with your GOD- ask him for help pray to him, Richard you have elissa don't fail her the ways we failed you- Teach her respect, responsibility, set limits & behaviors and ABOVE all else LOVE HER AND LET HER KNOW IT!!


I'm Sorry for all the things that weren't right with us. I did the best I could but you all both need to do Better. Please resolve your relationship with each other. You are both brother's Love each other. Please forgive each other then let it go-


No one will ever be perfect here on Earth but you both are capable of doing better....










The rest is missing. The biggest lesson I am learning and had to learn is that she was right NO ONE can make you happy its all on you. Tim is Dead- She is Dead- Dad is Dead- Rich and I just don't mix. Ellisa wasn't his kid- Friends Die, Leave, get closer- relationships fail. So it all comes down to you all you are left with is you!!!!! I have found that I need to make my own kind of music per say... Find something that makes me happy again from me... not being with someone, or some possession.


I am finding faith slowly but surely, I am going to church today. (Hopefully)....
I am trying to fix myself. I will find the person I want to be. The respect for myself again. The Drive.


I forgave my Mom a long time ago go our lives, I hated to face it but I did that IT WASN'T HER FAULT FOR MY ADULT LIFE BEING SO SHITTY.  And she did do the best she could from nothing. She was taught nothing by her parents to teach us. She winged it she knew just that she wasn't going to beat her kids, Ignore feelings, repress. Not cover the fact that the whole family was messed up. She was true to her and not "tried to save face" to put up a front that the rest of the family did. No one is perfect. and Since she didn't know coping, She taught what she knew. So I know I am lacking some coping skills and am always looking for approval.


I will make you proud again Mama, I have tried for the last four years to forgive Richard, to be brothers, but right now our timing is off. I am sorry for that but all my effort and energy is spent with that. I will clean my life up and not continue to take the easy way out.


I miss you, I used to get so pissed when you would call me 10 times a day, but I miss hearing your voice on the phone, even nagging me to be better....YOU ARE NOT FORGOTTEN. YOU WERE A ROLE MODEL, YOU MADE A DIFFERENCE TO PEOPLE!!!!!


This weekend I also reconnected with my cousin Em. We filled in the blanks for each other with the family where they are unwilling, or it just can't be explained. But with out going into too much of it I FELT APART OF FAMILY AGAIN. She got me, my way of thinking, and understood. We had many parallels in life. My Mom made an impact on her life.  to hear that made me so happy.and it was refreshing that I wasn't totally crazy. I am going to maintain our relationship because I need family in life to be happy. I don't feel totally alone anymore.... THANK YOU EM!!!!!

A bi-polar day....

Today what an interesting day. Some big changes and some big failures.

I have been combating insomnia all my life. And the last two days it has hit me hard. I started the day on a positive note taking the high road with misunderstandings. Trying to debate a point that wasn't winnable. But let it go. Then Very proud of someone special in my life deciding not to continue to be "raped" by a cell company, told them to goto hell and decided to not pay the insane bill and let his contract close out, and went over to mine which is not much better but affordable and let me get him and the company a brand new "white" iPhone to replace his old  droid. Tried to add him to my plan and because of being hit with identity theft last fall I was not able to add the lines so he did. I got the phone for him and a more suitable phone for his father. and will merge them after the "30 days" it will take to clear up the theft. I felt good to be able to what I could to help and give him and his father a "shining" new phone that will streamline the company for us and lower the insane amount for the little he was getting. I though score. 

In this society it's easy to have your identity taken from you because of a companies greed and much harder to PROVE that you are whom you are and reverse it all. But in the end It will work out like it always does. It's just frustrating.

Then because of his father not feeling good he postponed his appointment and we went to ours. I had planned to goto Milwaukee and see a dear friend of mine but either of happenstance or just luck that wasn't possible. I regret that much because I miss her SO much being that she isn't as mobile as I am. I thought about her all day and as the day went on and it started to drag me down on top of family issues it shifted my mood and once again I let it.

The excitement of setting up electronic devices and seeing one of my cousins whom I haven't seen in god know's how long tomorrow for the weekend and showing her around started to raise me up, my partner feeling better and working through things . I coming up with a plan to my limbo  future and setting thing's into motion for our  future's for not just Us but his father. It made the day better for all the hardships that we have been through over the last several months and years is starting to balance out.

I am getting back into design, social media, and working again. and finally setting in stone the road map to get the hell out of this state that has taken so much from us.

Then once again smack a crossed the face by a basic "hate crime statement" and the third threat by a person I barely speak to and am still deciding if I am tired of letting people getting away with bashing others and me for being us. 

I don't think I am going to let it go this time. My parents taught me to stand up for what is right and so little is done these days to do that. I am a deeply flawed person like most of the people around me, broke down by life. Disillusionment by dreams and hopes. work for nothing and still get spat on. BOTH WAYS. He said they said stuff that just isn't RIGHT.

So even with my flaws. My growth. My wackiness. sadness and joy, I will STAND up one way or another.And Move on to the next day and hope that tomorrow is a better day!!!!

Not seeing that you are destroying the ones you Love.

Not seeing that you are destroying the ones you Love.

Over the last couple weeks, month's, etc. I have been tearing down the ones that are left in my life esp. my partner for reasons I am still trying to work out. BUT  I know that it stops here. No more lies, Attacks, Exaggerations, Excuses, stealing, and so on and so on.

I Truly say sorry to my partner, even after everything he has been through over the last couple months he has been here... he shouldn't have he like so many in my life in the past should have left and did.

I love him so. Everyone that knows us knows that I do. That I just have this demon that follows. That I try to kick and then give into. I am sorry for giving in to it the way I do and treating all that is around us with the same behavior.

Many need to see the change. The change is coming. Trust that it is coming. Life can't sustain this too much longer for me. 

I used to be a very kind, giving person. Then things happened, behaviors were learned, vices were created and habits remain.

So to all that I have hurt over the last four years I am sorry. It won't be like that anymore.

And if you need to walk away I understand. If you can stay please do. 

Change starts here!

The Long weekend Blues

This weekend has been a really hard one with its spots of greatness. I seem to start all my blogs off with some negative thoughts or statements. I can't seem to sleep unless i am up for 3 days and then just drop wherever i am. IT's starting to get tiresome. I want my live to be different. I want to be from from these Demons, emotional instability, location.etc.

I feel like it will never change. how do I try to do anything finish anything with that pushing up against my brain? I find that lately I really need to find new friends that are healthier for me, that don't see me as what I lost and how I really am these days. I have let myself become what people think and forgot how to be me. Thats hard to deal with. So I am going to change that, But I realize trying to find friends in your 30's isn't an easy task.

Where do you even start when one you are in the boonies, a gay man and they just try to sleep with you or shy.I  need interaction with people, and its hard. very hard. but there goes my ranting.

I did meet one of Kurt's really good friend Sean and it was nice to just socialize hear stories of different times in life. Looking forward to seeing him again.

I have had a bad weekend in the since that once again my brother and I have had a falling out and without going into the details, I am glad that I will no longer have him in my life. I don't need that drama and chaos in my life. And if fights happen I am wrong and it must be an "episode", not because of their behavior, not because their dysfunction, fights, drug use, etc.

When we had a falling out before it was considered my fault. my actions, and to be a part of their lives I let them believe it. I had to be trusted. I never got calls after reconnecting just to see how I was, just to see that if I can fix something. My relationship with my Partner isn't considered comparable to theirs and kids. And as my "issues" compiled, theirs were 10x worse when I came back. So this time around I am just getting a no contact order, Restraining order, and be done with it. (I made my mistakes in it all, but I still wanted something they couldnt give themselves or me...SUPPORT.)

I held onto trying to build a relationship with my only brother because my mother asked me before dying that we needed to have a real relationship with each other. I think my Mom would forgive me this time and let me  off of the hook because it is just bringing my life down. And this time around I am not as weak as they think.

I need a change and refresh across the board. any suggestions? on any post feedback would be great. That's why I rant.

What's Next?

After an emotional, explosive weekend, I feel depressed and very teary. It's hard to see my partner so upset, I am grieving in my way but not remotely close to what he is feeling. But I remember that feeling of nothing making sense, guilt, wanting nothing more than to be dead and be with the loved one.

I am always living in this feeling of loss never really connected toy life. That is something that needs to change but the people that would help figure that out with me are now part of that feeling and have been for years.

I want joy, family, respect, responsibility, and love. I have some of those things but others prob won't come. I had my golden age of life and now I am a walking shell and that is because I can't see passed the pain let go of the vises and be the man I want to be.

If all works out well I am going to be able to accomplish a dream I have been trying to do for all my life. TO MOVE OUT OF WISCONSIN. It's filled with pain, ghosts, and mistakes that is keeping me in my misery. It's not the people I see or my partner I am building with its the place.

Some would say I am running and that life would be the same cause you aren't changing you. And what I say to that silly is sometimes just sometimes all you need is to walk away from the place and you wont have that cloud that keeps you grey to move forward.

Not Deserving Respect.

So here I am finally starting a new blog for myself, for others, but mainly for me to rant about life.
So as I am sitting here after a long week of whacko up's and down's, ponder things.

It has been a tough several months of 2012 and we are still in march. It's hard to believe. I was hoping that this would be the year that I had finally turned my life around and rebuild the person I lost over the last four years. But that never happens with me. Either I put more effort into others peoples lives, not enough into my own, or I cope with pain by making incredibly bad choices.

A little background on me: in the first decade of the 21st century I build a life with an incredible man that taught me to be me. To express myself, to not hold back, to not be the meek depressive that I spent so much of my life like. It wasn't perfect but in that 10 year period I went from being an uneducated stoner with mental illness' to someone pretty stable without medication. Didn't even drink,  got a graphic design degree even through my mom being sick and passing. Landed a wonderful job at Poblocki Sign, had good friends, a beautiful home and build a family with him.

Then it crumbled,  He took his life by hanging when I went to a Halloween party over the weekend of. November 1st, 2008 my life stopped. I didn't know how to deal with it and the people around me couldn't handle me. very quickly I was too emotional and was only left with a couple people in my life  and it drove me into some hardcore drugs and destroying my life and the ones I loved leaving me now with just 2 friends from that time. Went though several treatments with no success, a series of very abusive relationships. then when the people left I lost our car, my first new car, Job, home, and kept sliding. and no one could see past the unhealthy behaviors to cope with being alone for the first time in almost a decade and with no support, no family, no coping skills and abuse I did what I knew. It didn't help.

There are many regrets that I have because of the loss of tim, hurting my loved ones and hurting myself. But like the things I learned from him I took to extremes and it just made it worse. Being the empathetic, care person I believe I am I tried to help people, gave a lot, was taken advantage of and abused, and blamed.

But instead of killing myself like I so desperately tried and needed, I kept moving forward. I met someone that I was starting to fall in love with and things were good. The drugs continued and got bad. but I was forgiven and helped. I was welcomed with open arms by Him, his wonderful mother who helped me heal the void that I needed, and father. I wasn't good enough and didn't even get a chance with his sister. and a series of unfortunate events, it fell apart to some degree. His mother got very sick very fast, and him after 3 years of caregiving and me helping and getting close and being respected and listened to she passed away on march 1st, 2012. After not even having the time to grieve for a long very long good friend that I knew since 17 and was at one time my mothers girlfriend. She was killed in a car accident by the driver of the car drunk twice the legal limit on the way home. My grandfather died in January also.

So Something no one should have to go through in life, watching their strong mother fade away by terrible illness's. I had to relive it with his mother and it hit hard. I tried to give support. but nothing can help that pain. I just do what I can. I made several promises to her and I intend to keep them.

Now, I am in no way a saint but I did a lot to try to give back to her a wonderful memorial. And with his father having Alzheimer's neither of us pause or complain about doing whatever it takes to take care of his father. And we will do it and keep him out of a home as long as we can we made that promise.

I have never complained or soap-boxed about the things I am in the middle of now I knew with eyes wide open what was ahead. The only time that I have to step away from helping is when I am compromised by grieve. Other's might have guilt and attack for the situation they might face but I welcome what's ahead. My words to the deceased means something. I haven't been perfect with it YET. But I will accomplish the promises made I ALWAYS DO.

I of course have my faults, with my life falling apart I have been getting by and functioning by reverting to my medication at excessive doses, and Rapid cycling through my emotions. I have been on edge needing support, and my partner can only do so much and I wouldn't put that strain on him, yet I have. I feel guilty. I am trying to get help but know the system. I can get through it. and there will be a trigger and I am right back in it.

I give advice to help, it's not taken, I ask for help it comes with a price, I am openly disrespected by his sister and boyfriend and both are made to feel that because we are caregiving and on disability that we mean nothing because we don't have 5 kids and a job. But I also don't make promises to their parents that I cant keep.

If I could get help to stabilize the few things that are my triggers, I let my 2009 matrix rot in the lot, my computer that had the 70,000 pictures of my life, the loved ones in my life totally die, wearing glasses that are too strong and remind me of 2008, and I have an entire storage unit nearby filled with my life that is half destroyed. I have no purpose in my life, and with not being totally mobile my freedom to be the social person that I need to be in down times crumbles. I am trying to fight for my life and several others. and I loose. I get to watch the remaining calming and things that I have to hold on to be destroyed and it rips me apart every day.

I know my flaws, everyone has them, I give my all to others without expectations, but to be Respected and taken seriously. I am 34, see more horrible things in my life and hasn't made the best choices to get through it. But  IT DOESN'T MEAN THAT I AM A HORRIBLE PERSON. I know I need help I am seeking help. I just don't think I deserve the disrespect and to be ignored. I just need help,  I give help.