And the fog lifts, the plot twists.

So I sit here at my desk after a week of of absence and I feel like a kid seeing things for the first time. The fog in all reality has been lifted. Everything seems unusual, strange, new; and maybe it is, it's the first time i  am seeing it without chemical enhancement in months even years. It feels good but exhausting all at once. I have worked hard processing life of all the actions, reactions,emotions, behaviors, and everything that has followed over the past four years and there is a lot of shame for my actions.  It is hard readjusting to life at home, and falling back into life after being in a completely controlled environment.  Everything seems like I never saw it.  Not my old life I left but the one I can create for myself.  I have done some CRAZY things that I normally would have never have of done. But I did them, nothing I can do now can change them. I accept that...Which is HUGE for me. It's a feeling I don't believe I have felt before about anything in my life.

Roger's showed me a lot about myself, people, and how the world works. One wouldn't think that about that place, "It's just for the crazies and druggies". But I am one of them. You really have to look at it like someone that has a chronic illness. That to remain alive or healthy has to be on medication. And monitor a physical symptom. That is what having a mental illness or being an addict is. And yes those things are a part of me and shined for many years has been my main identity for years they now are just a fraction of whom I am. I am an artist, a creative thinker, a supportive person, a graphic designer, an intelligent person, a lover, a friend, a PERSON.

I open a new chapter of my life where I make amends where needed, process things when confronted with them, and be me. I have done some CRAZY things that I normally would have never have of done. But I did them, nothing I can do now can change them. I accept that...Which is HUGE for me. It's a feeling I don't believe I have felt before about anything in my life. I do this with the support and help from myself, my friends, and partner. That feels good for the first time as I type. I am grateful for all the help that I got, support and esp. to my partner. Working with me everyday.

There will be more to come....God I missed music....lol...