Reactions

The past couple weeks have been some of my more taxing weeks. The one's close to me might know why, but not for the ones that I would have sought to project.

I used to be so good at being the
Victim in my own life, I would enjoy in a way telling people how sad, painful, and hard my life was. Now being in the middle of a "WTF" Situation, I find it hard to talk to people about it. Not even being on the same pattern of thinking when in a crisis or a painful situation. I say this because it will become a major point later.

People react everyday, I know I use to react with impulse, Anger, aggression, sarcasm, and as the victim. Not even letting the idea cross my mind that yes, I am responsible for the position I in.

Being aware of my behavior, being able to change the way I look at the world or just a total change in how I see the world I didn't think it was possible. This self awareness is HUGE FOR ME . It changes the path for me in life, and bleeds into every aspect oft life.

I write this post while laying in a hospital bed for 8 days now. In a great deal of pain. I say this because pain is something that is all relative. I get asked everyday now many times in one day on a scale from 1-10 where is your pain. I have been hovering from 8-10 over the days of late and some would say my reactions to stimuli is not possible to someone that is in that level of pain. I say I choose not to react like most do to not let the pain take total control of my life and try to be functional. That's hard for some to understand. But there is another reason for this.

As many people know I am going through recovery and recently celebrated my 30ish some days. It was exciting that I was starting to live and believe I could live again sober. The clarity alone made it all worth it. Several things or lessons learned over the last month.

2 weeks ago I had an allergic reaction to Allegra 24. To the point of either losing my mind or life. This is what happened. When I realized that yes I was having an reaction to the one thing that should reverse an reaction I had to take an ambulance from Treatment to STALLIS Aurora Hospital. I noticed a strong reaction to that allergy. The Emt's were not getting what I was saying so didn't have a sense of ergancy to me. I know that I am very nervous to people in the healthcare field. ESP Doc's, Nurses.

The Emt's made a judgement based in my nervous reaction. Based on the simple fact I was twitchy and was being picked up from a treatment facility. The Emt's thought I was oding and that I was totally mentally I'll.

So I sat in the hospital for 3 hours before I received real treatment for the allergy. I ended up snapping at a nurse for how I was being treated. I took it in my hands to be an advocate for my own healthcare . And eventually the MD came in in and told me that there was Miss info. I understood it but on some level don't know how to advocate for self when people react to you because of their stereotypes.

It was a lesson learned.

Now sitting in my hospital bed for day 8 and still don't know why I am still in able to move my bowels.

The scary thing I am coping with is I am going through AODA and am active in my sobriety. But I am in a crazy situation being new in sobriety I come to the we for a real issue that has high level pain. That after several hours of being I was given an iv of morphine, dolatin, oral percs, and OXy's. (something that I almost didn't recover from and I almost killed my self with piece by piece.) So I am trying to cope, manage pain and addiction until I can return to treatment. I am scared about the high odds that I am going to withdrawal from all these opiates, and Narcs. That I walked in this place on two Meds and leaving with 12...
That it's quite possible I have to fight an addiction again. That this is frustrating. But I see the difference in my thought pattern and spoke my concerns with loved ones.

I am scared, it's ok to be. But the way I react to it is different .

Plus I am so grateful to have my partner Kurt, in my life I wouldn't have gotten treatment for my crazy or now unhealthy life if he did believe in me or trust that this time would be different..... I love you and I will always be there for you !

Not seeing that you are destroying the ones you Love.

Not seeing that you are destroying the ones you Love.

Over the last couple weeks, month's, etc. I have been tearing down the ones that are left in my life esp. my partner for reasons I am still trying to work out. BUT  I know that it stops here. No more lies, Attacks, Exaggerations, Excuses, stealing, and so on and so on.

I Truly say sorry to my partner, even after everything he has been through over the last couple months he has been here... he shouldn't have he like so many in my life in the past should have left and did.

I love him so. Everyone that knows us knows that I do. That I just have this demon that follows. That I try to kick and then give into. I am sorry for giving in to it the way I do and treating all that is around us with the same behavior.

Many need to see the change. The change is coming. Trust that it is coming. Life can't sustain this too much longer for me. 

I used to be a very kind, giving person. Then things happened, behaviors were learned, vices were created and habits remain.

So to all that I have hurt over the last four years I am sorry. It won't be like that anymore.

And if you need to walk away I understand. If you can stay please do. 

Change starts here!

The Long weekend Blues

This weekend has been a really hard one with its spots of greatness. I seem to start all my blogs off with some negative thoughts or statements. I can't seem to sleep unless i am up for 3 days and then just drop wherever i am. IT's starting to get tiresome. I want my live to be different. I want to be from from these Demons, emotional instability, location.etc.

I feel like it will never change. how do I try to do anything finish anything with that pushing up against my brain? I find that lately I really need to find new friends that are healthier for me, that don't see me as what I lost and how I really am these days. I have let myself become what people think and forgot how to be me. Thats hard to deal with. So I am going to change that, But I realize trying to find friends in your 30's isn't an easy task.

Where do you even start when one you are in the boonies, a gay man and they just try to sleep with you or shy.I  need interaction with people, and its hard. very hard. but there goes my ranting.

I did meet one of Kurt's really good friend Sean and it was nice to just socialize hear stories of different times in life. Looking forward to seeing him again.

I have had a bad weekend in the since that once again my brother and I have had a falling out and without going into the details, I am glad that I will no longer have him in my life. I don't need that drama and chaos in my life. And if fights happen I am wrong and it must be an "episode", not because of their behavior, not because their dysfunction, fights, drug use, etc.

When we had a falling out before it was considered my fault. my actions, and to be a part of their lives I let them believe it. I had to be trusted. I never got calls after reconnecting just to see how I was, just to see that if I can fix something. My relationship with my Partner isn't considered comparable to theirs and kids. And as my "issues" compiled, theirs were 10x worse when I came back. So this time around I am just getting a no contact order, Restraining order, and be done with it. (I made my mistakes in it all, but I still wanted something they couldnt give themselves or me...SUPPORT.)

I held onto trying to build a relationship with my only brother because my mother asked me before dying that we needed to have a real relationship with each other. I think my Mom would forgive me this time and let me  off of the hook because it is just bringing my life down. And this time around I am not as weak as they think.

I need a change and refresh across the board. any suggestions? on any post feedback would be great. That's why I rant.