After 60 days.......................b...r...e...a...t...h...e

So I just passed my 60 days in my recovery and I am finding it hard to find happiness in my life.  I am struggling with picking up the pieces of my life and how tough that is. Rebuilding a life with someone without as much independent support support as I thought I have is even harder than I expected. Or least in the way I thought what it looked like. I find it is hard to cope with everyday life.It's difficult to deal with the way that I am being sheltered by people. 


Friends don't want to bother me with their issues right now and I appreciate that greatly but on the same dime with being sheltered I feel disconnected and more lonely. I am more depressed now then when I was using. That is normal from what I hear, but doesn't make it any easier to cope with.I have many problems that I didn't notice when I was using. I neglected myself and so many others. And now that the fog is gone they all are razor sharp and cut deep with me. I have many life interfering issues right now GI disorders, MOOD disorders, MEMORY disorders, and PERSONALITY disorders. I feel like a walking wound, no one sees me this way because of the mask that I am wearing right now. I am short and my patience is like a raw nerve. Most of this is because of how I feel about myself. I am angry with how I convinced myself that I was fine with just being known as a junkie. 

There is so much good that I have to give. I know that. But either the hardship of rebuilding my life, some Post Acute Withdrawal Symptoms, or both is pushing me towards the side that I lived for almost the past four years. The logic side of myself doesn't want to entertain the emotional side of myself. It say "Fuck the things that are touchy feeling feelings. I am tired of you!!!!" Its a cycle of its own. I am betrayed by my body, emotional self even my own thoughts and memories. For anyone out there that think that is easy to cope with let me know how you do it. 

I feel that I am losing myself to myself. I was had so much clarity after leaving inpatient. And some would say to just have faith. I have tried this faith thing. Just faith in myself. And faith without feeding that faith means nothing. That faith falls flat if you don't goto church and if your just surrounded by naysayers or NEGATIVITY. People need outlets like church to feel like they aren't alone in it all. I believe in the importance of that now.



I NEED (and this might sound selfish):TO be RespectedTO be Believed in.TO feel Connected.TO be Social.TO have WORKING TECH.TO be Independent.TO BE INFORMED.TO be able to SHARE my KNOWLEDGE with my someone.TO NOT BE TREATED LIKE A CHILD.TO HAVE A PURPOSE.TO find BALANCE.TO HAVE FAITH.TO WORK DAILY on MY SOBRIETY.TO HAVE FAMILY.



Some of these things I can't find again or YET.  Family is one that is gone and I don't see getting back anytime soon. Tim is gone, Patty is gone, Mom is gone, Dad is gone, my Brother can't be helped, Grandma & Grandpa is gone. Family is gone. 


This deff feels like a rant this time around, This is rants of living I guess. That's all I can muster this week. I'll update soon with something more positive and meaningful soon.

Robb

An Interesting weekend and echo's of life.

I found This weekend while frantically cleaning and putting together the apt. for my cousin whom I haven't seen since the 90's. It was a hand written letter less than 30 days before my mom died I fell apart after reading it. It hit my heart hard and still rang true in what i need to still do. This is what it said:

Dear Rob, Richard          12-20-03

 This letter isn't meant to judge, criticize, or complain. It's just what I am feeling and much need to express out loud to my son's. It's more about your dad and me failing you as parents. Your dad's world was all about possessions, getting them at any cost. Lying, (about me ) mostly- and living in a fantasy world.


Mine was passive and submissive and it made me very angry inside. your dad didn't want to take responsibility for Donna, not seeing you boys, not being a father- So he lied and said I wouldn't  let him see you boys. He didn't come if we did food or clothes he just cared about his own needs- I never had the nerve to discipline you boys,( set limits or stand up to him.), limits, boundaries, teach you responsibility- I never let you experience your feelings- be let down, learn that the world is not fair at ALL !!!


We all always chose the easy way out- This isn't going to go away guys- I'm getting weaker & shorter of breathe. We have to face reality - I am not going to make it thru this.


I am scared to death what is going to happen to you guys when our little "help" isn't available anymore for you both. I'm still taking responsibility for your lives- I can't do it anymore it's time to either make it or break it.


Rob-
Finish school you know you can do it- be proud of yourself for going back to school. Become the people you are meant to be boys. Richard get help for your anger you shouldn't have to feel so angry & annoyed all the time- be proud of yourself for the person you will become with a little help from your friends & professionals. You both DESERVE to be HAPPY. but it's YOUR responsibility to MAKE yourselves happy not mine, not Krystal's, NOT Tim's. You both can only make yourselves happy.


Develope a relationship with YOUR Lord and Savior get in tough with your GOD- ask him for help pray to him, Richard you have elissa don't fail her the ways we failed you- Teach her respect, responsibility, set limits & behaviors and ABOVE all else LOVE HER AND LET HER KNOW IT!!


I'm Sorry for all the things that weren't right with us. I did the best I could but you all both need to do Better. Please resolve your relationship with each other. You are both brother's Love each other. Please forgive each other then let it go-


No one will ever be perfect here on Earth but you both are capable of doing better....










The rest is missing. The biggest lesson I am learning and had to learn is that she was right NO ONE can make you happy its all on you. Tim is Dead- She is Dead- Dad is Dead- Rich and I just don't mix. Ellisa wasn't his kid- Friends Die, Leave, get closer- relationships fail. So it all comes down to you all you are left with is you!!!!! I have found that I need to make my own kind of music per say... Find something that makes me happy again from me... not being with someone, or some possession.


I am finding faith slowly but surely, I am going to church today. (Hopefully)....
I am trying to fix myself. I will find the person I want to be. The respect for myself again. The Drive.


I forgave my Mom a long time ago go our lives, I hated to face it but I did that IT WASN'T HER FAULT FOR MY ADULT LIFE BEING SO SHITTY.  And she did do the best she could from nothing. She was taught nothing by her parents to teach us. She winged it she knew just that she wasn't going to beat her kids, Ignore feelings, repress. Not cover the fact that the whole family was messed up. She was true to her and not "tried to save face" to put up a front that the rest of the family did. No one is perfect. and Since she didn't know coping, She taught what she knew. So I know I am lacking some coping skills and am always looking for approval.


I will make you proud again Mama, I have tried for the last four years to forgive Richard, to be brothers, but right now our timing is off. I am sorry for that but all my effort and energy is spent with that. I will clean my life up and not continue to take the easy way out.


I miss you, I used to get so pissed when you would call me 10 times a day, but I miss hearing your voice on the phone, even nagging me to be better....YOU ARE NOT FORGOTTEN. YOU WERE A ROLE MODEL, YOU MADE A DIFFERENCE TO PEOPLE!!!!!


This weekend I also reconnected with my cousin Em. We filled in the blanks for each other with the family where they are unwilling, or it just can't be explained. But with out going into too much of it I FELT APART OF FAMILY AGAIN. She got me, my way of thinking, and understood. We had many parallels in life. My Mom made an impact on her life.  to hear that made me so happy.and it was refreshing that I wasn't totally crazy. I am going to maintain our relationship because I need family in life to be happy. I don't feel totally alone anymore.... THANK YOU EM!!!!!

The Long weekend Blues

This weekend has been a really hard one with its spots of greatness. I seem to start all my blogs off with some negative thoughts or statements. I can't seem to sleep unless i am up for 3 days and then just drop wherever i am. IT's starting to get tiresome. I want my live to be different. I want to be from from these Demons, emotional instability, location.etc.

I feel like it will never change. how do I try to do anything finish anything with that pushing up against my brain? I find that lately I really need to find new friends that are healthier for me, that don't see me as what I lost and how I really am these days. I have let myself become what people think and forgot how to be me. Thats hard to deal with. So I am going to change that, But I realize trying to find friends in your 30's isn't an easy task.

Where do you even start when one you are in the boonies, a gay man and they just try to sleep with you or shy.I  need interaction with people, and its hard. very hard. but there goes my ranting.

I did meet one of Kurt's really good friend Sean and it was nice to just socialize hear stories of different times in life. Looking forward to seeing him again.

I have had a bad weekend in the since that once again my brother and I have had a falling out and without going into the details, I am glad that I will no longer have him in my life. I don't need that drama and chaos in my life. And if fights happen I am wrong and it must be an "episode", not because of their behavior, not because their dysfunction, fights, drug use, etc.

When we had a falling out before it was considered my fault. my actions, and to be a part of their lives I let them believe it. I had to be trusted. I never got calls after reconnecting just to see how I was, just to see that if I can fix something. My relationship with my Partner isn't considered comparable to theirs and kids. And as my "issues" compiled, theirs were 10x worse when I came back. So this time around I am just getting a no contact order, Restraining order, and be done with it. (I made my mistakes in it all, but I still wanted something they couldnt give themselves or me...SUPPORT.)

I held onto trying to build a relationship with my only brother because my mother asked me before dying that we needed to have a real relationship with each other. I think my Mom would forgive me this time and let me  off of the hook because it is just bringing my life down. And this time around I am not as weak as they think.

I need a change and refresh across the board. any suggestions? on any post feedback would be great. That's why I rant.