The first steps!!!!!!!!

Today is the day that I start a path that might actually lead me to the happiness I have searched for my entire life. I know that sounds pretty dramatic, and it of course will not be that grand. But I am owning up for the shitractular last four years. I am putting an end to the "easy way " out that my mom so put it, and I am ending my way of coping. No more DRUGS to use as coping skills. No more letting my crazed mood swings take over my life and no more always being paranoid that this is the day I lose it all. I am going into TREATMENT.

I know what most that know me am thinking , but Robb you have been in it so many times at so many places. Well yes I have and I never really took it that seriously. I did to a point but if it mean that I would truly open and Honestly Quit, or face issues, myself or others it would always fall short.

I want this to be different. the start to a healthy life. I know it won't happen over night or just because I am spending a couple days in treatment. but this time I am going to push myself, Learn how to control myself behaviors and LET SOME OF THIS BAGGAGE GO!!!! I think I have earned that.

I am not going to set myself up to fail again but I am stopping and making Different choices opposition from what I did. And I hope that I can recover myself and the battered friendships and relationships that I have mental abused for so long.

So I know this entry didn't have much directions other to DECLARE this, but I ask for faith from people that hey maybe this time just maybe it will be the time I stop and finally win my life back. .

So I am "disconnection for a bit and will be back after a short time I might return Robin Ryan Ainslie. The one people remember and admired.

A bi-polar day....

Today what an interesting day. Some big changes and some big failures.

I have been combating insomnia all my life. And the last two days it has hit me hard. I started the day on a positive note taking the high road with misunderstandings. Trying to debate a point that wasn't winnable. But let it go. Then Very proud of someone special in my life deciding not to continue to be "raped" by a cell company, told them to goto hell and decided to not pay the insane bill and let his contract close out, and went over to mine which is not much better but affordable and let me get him and the company a brand new "white" iPhone to replace his old  droid. Tried to add him to my plan and because of being hit with identity theft last fall I was not able to add the lines so he did. I got the phone for him and a more suitable phone for his father. and will merge them after the "30 days" it will take to clear up the theft. I felt good to be able to what I could to help and give him and his father a "shining" new phone that will streamline the company for us and lower the insane amount for the little he was getting. I though score. 

In this society it's easy to have your identity taken from you because of a companies greed and much harder to PROVE that you are whom you are and reverse it all. But in the end It will work out like it always does. It's just frustrating.

Then because of his father not feeling good he postponed his appointment and we went to ours. I had planned to goto Milwaukee and see a dear friend of mine but either of happenstance or just luck that wasn't possible. I regret that much because I miss her SO much being that she isn't as mobile as I am. I thought about her all day and as the day went on and it started to drag me down on top of family issues it shifted my mood and once again I let it.

The excitement of setting up electronic devices and seeing one of my cousins whom I haven't seen in god know's how long tomorrow for the weekend and showing her around started to raise me up, my partner feeling better and working through things . I coming up with a plan to my limbo  future and setting thing's into motion for our  future's for not just Us but his father. It made the day better for all the hardships that we have been through over the last several months and years is starting to balance out.

I am getting back into design, social media, and working again. and finally setting in stone the road map to get the hell out of this state that has taken so much from us.

Then once again smack a crossed the face by a basic "hate crime statement" and the third threat by a person I barely speak to and am still deciding if I am tired of letting people getting away with bashing others and me for being us. 

I don't think I am going to let it go this time. My parents taught me to stand up for what is right and so little is done these days to do that. I am a deeply flawed person like most of the people around me, broke down by life. Disillusionment by dreams and hopes. work for nothing and still get spat on. BOTH WAYS. He said they said stuff that just isn't RIGHT.

So even with my flaws. My growth. My wackiness. sadness and joy, I will STAND up one way or another.And Move on to the next day and hope that tomorrow is a better day!!!!