So as I am sitting here after a long week of whacko up's and down's, ponder things.
It has been a tough several months of 2012 and we are still in march. It's hard to believe. I was hoping that this would be the year that I had finally turned my life around and rebuild the person I lost over the last four years. But that never happens with me. Either I put more effort into others peoples lives, not enough into my own, or I cope with pain by making incredibly bad choices.
A little background on me: in the first decade of the 21st century I build a life with an incredible man that taught me to be me. To express myself, to not hold back, to not be the meek depressive that I spent so much of my life like. It wasn't perfect but in that 10 year period I went from being an uneducated stoner with mental illness' to someone pretty stable without medication. Didn't even drink, got a graphic design degree even through my mom being sick and passing. Landed a wonderful job at Poblocki Sign, had good friends, a beautiful home and build a family with him.
Then it crumbled, He took his life by hanging when I went to a Halloween party over the weekend of. November 1st, 2008 my life stopped. I didn't know how to deal with it and the people around me couldn't handle me. very quickly I was too emotional and was only left with a couple people in my life and it drove me into some hardcore drugs and destroying my life and the ones I loved leaving me now with just 2 friends from that time. Went though several treatments with no success, a series of very abusive relationships. then when the people left I lost our car, my first new car, Job, home, and kept sliding. and no one could see past the unhealthy behaviors to cope with being alone for the first time in almost a decade and with no support, no family, no coping skills and abuse I did what I knew. It didn't help.
There are many regrets that I have because of the loss of tim, hurting my loved ones and hurting myself. But like the things I learned from him I took to extremes and it just made it worse. Being the empathetic, care person I believe I am I tried to help people, gave a lot, was taken advantage of and abused, and blamed.
But instead of killing myself like I so desperately tried and needed, I kept moving forward. I met someone that I was starting to fall in love with and things were good. The drugs continued and got bad. but I was forgiven and helped. I was welcomed with open arms by Him, his wonderful mother who helped me heal the void that I needed, and father. I wasn't good enough and didn't even get a chance with his sister. and a series of unfortunate events, it fell apart to some degree. His mother got very sick very fast, and him after 3 years of caregiving and me helping and getting close and being respected and listened to she passed away on march 1st, 2012. After not even having the time to grieve for a long very long good friend that I knew since 17 and was at one time my mothers girlfriend. She was killed in a car accident by the driver of the car drunk twice the legal limit on the way home. My grandfather died in January also.
So Something no one should have to go through in life, watching their strong mother fade away by terrible illness's. I had to relive it with his mother and it hit hard. I tried to give support. but nothing can help that pain. I just do what I can. I made several promises to her and I intend to keep them.
Now, I am in no way a saint but I did a lot to try to give back to her a wonderful memorial. And with his father having Alzheimer's neither of us pause or complain about doing whatever it takes to take care of his father. And we will do it and keep him out of a home as long as we can we made that promise.
I have never complained or soap-boxed about the things I am in the middle of now I knew with eyes wide open what was ahead. The only time that I have to step away from helping is when I am compromised by grieve. Other's might have guilt and attack for the situation they might face but I welcome what's ahead. My words to the deceased means something. I haven't been perfect with it YET. But I will accomplish the promises made I ALWAYS DO.
I of course have my faults, with my life falling apart I have been getting by and functioning by reverting to my medication at excessive doses, and Rapid cycling through my emotions. I have been on edge needing support, and my partner can only do so much and I wouldn't put that strain on him, yet I have. I feel guilty. I am trying to get help but know the system. I can get through it. and there will be a trigger and I am right back in it.
I give advice to help, it's not taken, I ask for help it comes with a price, I am openly disrespected by his sister and boyfriend and both are made to feel that because we are caregiving and on disability that we mean nothing because we don't have 5 kids and a job. But I also don't make promises to their parents that I cant keep.
If I could get help to stabilize the few things that are my triggers, I let my 2009 matrix rot in the lot, my computer that had the 70,000 pictures of my life, the loved ones in my life totally die, wearing glasses that are too strong and remind me of 2008, and I have an entire storage unit nearby filled with my life that is half destroyed. I have no purpose in my life, and with not being totally mobile my freedom to be the social person that I need to be in down times crumbles. I am trying to fight for my life and several others. and I loose. I get to watch the remaining calming and things that I have to hold on to be destroyed and it rips me apart every day.
I know my flaws, everyone has them, I give my all to others without expectations, but to be Respected and taken seriously. I am 34, see more horrible things in my life and hasn't made the best choices to get through it. But IT DOESN'T MEAN THAT I AM A HORRIBLE PERSON. I know I need help I am seeking help. I just don't think I deserve the disrespect and to be ignored. I just need help, I give help.