After an emotional, explosive weekend, I feel depressed and very teary. It's hard to see my partner so upset, I am grieving in my way but not remotely close to what he is feeling. But I remember that feeling of nothing making sense, guilt, wanting nothing more than to be dead and be with the loved one.
I am always living in this feeling of loss never really connected toy life. That is something that needs to change but the people that would help figure that out with me are now part of that feeling and have been for years.
I want joy, family, respect, responsibility, and love. I have some of those things but others prob won't come. I had my golden age of life and now I am a walking shell and that is because I can't see passed the pain let go of the vises and be the man I want to be.
If all works out well I am going to be able to accomplish a dream I have been trying to do for all my life. TO MOVE OUT OF WISCONSIN. It's filled with pain, ghosts, and mistakes that is keeping me in my misery. It's not the people I see or my partner I am building with its the place.
Some would say I am running and that life would be the same cause you aren't changing you. And what I say to that silly is sometimes just sometimes all you need is to walk away from the place and you wont have that cloud that keeps you grey to move forward.