Sunday, May 6, 2012

Finally Facing the past.

It's been two weeks since I started the Dual program at Roger's Memorial Hospital PHP. At the start of last week my confidence level was pretty high.  Now sitting here at the end of the week I am feeling confused by my emotions and didn't think I would end up so lost.

But I wonder if I feel lost, or if things are just overwhelming right now.  I am feeling a lot of different emotions.  As I work through and feel each of them there is an accompanied emotion of shame, fear, sadness, anger, and confusion.   These emotions would normally be thwarted by chemicals or be clouded by depression but now I am facing them head-on and that, perhaps, is why I'm feeling lost.  This is brand new territory for me.

Now that I face these things I have to be focused on the pain of them. It is so uncomfortable I wish I could get up and run from myself. But I can't. And it is OK to sit with these emotions and either talk about them  or sit quietly and reflect and wait till they pass.

I am facing one life event that changed my world that I have been stuck in. Now that the fog has lifted, I am left to face my gremlins in life.  Sometimes its like I'm starting all over again from square one. I thought I was living in ANGER now I understand that I have been doing a lot of  bargaining. When I first heard this there was a certain level of disbelieve but then my eyes were opened and I realize that I'm guilty of that.  So I am left with an assignment that is probably the toughest one yet.

November 1, 2008 my husband of almost ten years,Tim, decided he needed to check out. For some reason or another he had enough of his hard life and hung himself with a belt from a coat rack over our bedroom door in Shorewood. He was 28. 

"I am sorry."
I was at a Halloween party for the weekend. Two nights before the party I had the days off of work so I was dropped off by Tim. He said he would pick me up from work on Monday because he had the car. I took a bunch of ecstasy to 'get the night started'. The night before the party I had a choice to make and I made the wrong one. I had the choice to run home and pick up a cable to connect my BlackBook to a Plasma. Or run around the city before the party and get more more ecstasy for myself for the party. And that's what I did the night before everything changed. 

I was flying. I was rolling heavy and was rambling. I talked about Tim, about how I loved him, about how he changed my world for the better. I wrapped the conversation up with how hard things had become. The summer was our hardest and we went through a tough time. I said that I wished Tim would demand that the relationship would become closed. That if we couldn't do that I wish he would let me go. I remember that I started to cry. There was guilt there for saying that. Sadness because I knew Tim wanted me to be happy and I wasn't sure if he would ever come out and say it. 

Before I knew it it was almost noon and my phone rang. I saw my phone light up with my roommate, Matt's, face. I knew why he was calling. I knew somehow that he was going to say that Tim was dead. He was upset and asked if I was sitting down. He said Tim was gone and I became angry and said what do you mean he is gone. "What happened", I yelled and he switched the phone to His co-worker Joe.  Joe was the one who found him. Joe said that he took his life. I was shocked and I froze in that moment. I thought that maybe he went out the night before and drank a bit and there might have been an accident. When I heard that he was gone I slipped to the floor repeating NO NO NO! Thinking my life as I knew it was done. 

It's almost four years later and I am now in a wonderful relationship after going through two abusive relationships, three inpatient detoxes and suicide attempts, and a series of really hard deaths. Because of my behaviors and  actions and abuse I lost some really close friendships. They couldn't watch me slowly taken myself apart one piece at a time.  I don't blame them. I would have left also.

I am still haunted by Tim. Not the way I was last year but stuck in cycles of grieving. I realize the things now that have me stuck and the guilt of thinking that I pushed him to it. The pain of not seeing the signs he had left me. The torture in my head that I somehow deserve to be miserable in life now.  The fear that life with Tim wasn't as good as I remember it. That my relationship with the current guy was a catalyst for his death. Amongst others.

But I realize now that those ideas are based on an assumption that I had a lot of power.  It's unreal and arrogant to think that I had that much power. Anyone that knew Tim knew that he wouldn't do anything he didn't want to do. I know it isn't the popular thing to say but Tim had balls and he chose to end his life, by-passing self preservation built into our code. I always thought that I would be the one.

So I face this now with clarity and feelings that I have buried and detached from for so many years. I am starting to think that things DO happen for a purpose. That there are things at work that we can't explain with logic and science. I know cause I have lived some of those things first hand that if talked about would get me locked away for some time. But I am ok with that.

I say all this because facing it has taught me that it doesn't matter.  Why? Having answers to questions doesn't always dull the pain. The loss. It's about the life shared. The things that all I can say is Thank you toTim for the life we shared. I am changed for the better. It doesn't change the past but brightens the future that I now choose to live. 

He was a great man with flaws and, yes, his life ended way too soon but my destroying my life wasn't his intent. So I honor him by recovering and being the best man he taught me to be!

No comments: