Wednesday, May 30, 2012


The past couple weeks have been some of my more taxing weeks. The one's close to me might know why, but not for the ones that I would have sought to project.

I used to be so good at being the
Victim in my own life, I would enjoy in a way telling people how sad, painful, and hard my life was. Now being in the middle of a "WTF" Situation, I find it hard to talk to people about it. Not even being on the same pattern of thinking when in a crisis or a painful situation. I say this because it will become a major point later.

People react everyday, I know I use to react with impulse, Anger, aggression, sarcasm, and as the victim. Not even letting the idea cross my mind that yes, I am responsible for the position I in.

Being aware of my behavior, being able to change the way I look at the world or just a total change in how I see the world I didn't think it was possible. This self awareness is HUGE FOR ME . It changes the path for me in life, and bleeds into every aspect oft life.

I write this post while laying in a hospital bed for 8 days now. In a great deal of pain. I say this because pain is something that is all relative. I get asked everyday now many times in one day on a scale from 1-10 where is your pain. I have been hovering from 8-10 over the days of late and some would say my reactions to stimuli is not possible to someone that is in that level of pain. I say I choose not to react like most do to not let the pain take total control of my life and try to be functional. That's hard for some to understand. But there is another reason for this.

As many people know I am going through recovery and recently celebrated my 30ish some days. It was exciting that I was starting to live and believe I could live again sober. The clarity alone made it all worth it. Several things or lessons learned over the last month.

2 weeks ago I had an allergic reaction to Allegra 24. To the point of either losing my mind or life. This is what happened. When I realized that yes I was having an reaction to the one thing that should reverse an reaction I had to take an ambulance from Treatment to STALLIS Aurora Hospital. I noticed a strong reaction to that allergy. The Emt's were not getting what I was saying so didn't have a sense of ergancy to me. I know that I am very nervous to people in the healthcare field. ESP Doc's, Nurses.

The Emt's made a judgement based in my nervous reaction. Based on the simple fact I was twitchy and was being picked up from a treatment facility. The Emt's thought I was oding and that I was totally mentally I'll.

So I sat in the hospital for 3 hours before I received real treatment for the allergy. I ended up snapping at a nurse for how I was being treated. I took it in my hands to be an advocate for my own healthcare . And eventually the MD came in in and told me that there was Miss info. I understood it but on some level don't know how to advocate for self when people react to you because of their stereotypes.

It was a lesson learned.

Now sitting in my hospital bed for day 8 and still don't know why I am still in able to move my bowels.

The scary thing I am coping with is I am going through AODA and am active in my sobriety. But I am in a crazy situation being new in sobriety I come to the we for a real issue that has high level pain. That after several hours of being I was given an iv of morphine, dolatin, oral percs, and OXy's. (something that I almost didn't recover from and I almost killed my self with piece by piece.) So I am trying to cope, manage pain and addiction until I can return to treatment. I am scared about the high odds that I am going to withdrawal from all these opiates, and Narcs. That I walked in this place on two Meds and leaving with 12...
That it's quite possible I have to fight an addiction again. That this is frustrating. But I see the difference in my thought pattern and spoke my concerns with loved ones.

I am scared, it's ok to be. But the way I react to it is different .

Plus I am so grateful to have my partner Kurt, in my life I wouldn't have gotten treatment for my crazy or now unhealthy life if he did believe in me or trust that this time would be different..... I love you and I will always be there for you !

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