Life has a funny way of kicking you in the ass sometimes. I find this to be true most of the time. Over the last couple weeks I have found that I have had this growing feeling within myself of frustration, rage, and confusion.
Most days I bury it deep within the darkest recesses of my mind. Other days it's like a nuclear fallout that can't sustain life. Yet I try to live there. And as anyone would succumb to the pain, failures, disappointments, and fear.
I have learned the hard way this year that the way I have been living my life and relationship wasn't as perfect as I thought it. Without saying too much trust was broken, betrayal ensued, and ongoing lies were told.
But for once in a really long time We are working on it.
October is one of the hardest months for me to cope with. In the past four years I coped with this months by being numbed out of my mind. This year is different in many ways. I am now been sober for six months and am active in my sobriety. There are other challenges also, my partner now is coping with the loss of his mother and the decline of his father. Several people close in my life is dealing with several similar challenges.
I am a bit more isolated by location, money, and other losses of my previous support system due to life and of course my previous using. I need my family dearly but with my parents gone, my brother still using, close friends that recently passed and the isolation that I have created through silence.
Four years ago my husband Tim took his life. Many who really know me knows this. My life I built with him of almost a decade crumbled quickly and for the first time in that time I was alone not know how to continue on with out him. I did an amazing job of destroying my life in the last several years up until April of this year.
Being four years later it surely doesn't feel like day one but it still has a pain, there still is a void. I think of him everyday. I miss him dearly. I am angry at him and of course myself. I spent a big focus on my "treatment" when starting recovery really working through it all.
But after completing the several different levels of treatment, and going to meetings, getting a sponsor, and working steps I found that the void that now have that I filled with the pain, the past and substances hasn't been filled by too much that can sustain me on a daily basis.
I stopped talking about the things troubling me, like Tim, family, my failures, lack of direction in life, and my needs for myself, and from others. I slowly stopped sharing in meetings, socializing with people and the friends trying to be present in my life. I never call my sponsor when I need to. I convince myself that my issues are less important and deep within myself I know it's fear on my part. She is an inspiring person that wouldn't think that.
The are new apparent issues because of using that are now acutely apparent now that I am sober that I wasn't fully aware of until I had some sobriety behind me.
In September of last year I had a minor stroke. I had to relearn to talk, walk, and use my hands. Now over a year later I can do those things but I stumble over my words, my "recall" of things can be slow, and I can even think one thing and say another. It is a source of anxiety for me.
In November of last year I overdosed on benzo's and after detoxing I woke up with this slight buzz in my ear that is very much like when you goto a loud concert and have a buzz or ringing in your ears for several hours after. I hasn't gone away, after seeing doctors it's been labeled tinnitus and am told I will probably live with it for the rest of my life or that it will cause me to go deaf. There are days it drives me crazy it can be louder than my internal thoughts and I no longer can enjoy just silence.
The effects of opiates, benzos, MDMA, methamphetamine, and stimulants have slowed me down and Intensified the stroke effects and lowered my IQ. It is something that has added to my anxiety and insecurities.
In may I was hospitalized for a bowel obstruction and almost had surgery. I changed my dietary habits totally, and crippled me most of the summer. I still live with bowel pain and prostititis on and off.
I say this not to be negative or to throw myself a huge pity party but to voice these things so I can let myself go of them more easily and to give myself a break and to let others in my life that these things plague me and that when I cancel plans, am withdrawn, am distant, etc. it's not them but them.
I ask that sometimes a friendly check in or push to be more social, or to follow through, or a nudge is sometimes all I need to get things going. And in turn I become more present in relationships, friendships, and recovery. I need that. I was blessed last night to actually call upon someone in recovery. I asked for help, I listened to the advise, I vented. And she welcomed me for it. I started a foundation of what might be a great friendship. I need to do that more with my partner, long friends, new friends and sponsor. And to cut myself a break. Forgive myself. Be patient with myself and grow. This is my October rant for the time being. Feel free to give much feedback it's welcomed. Till next time.