Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Doing what is right.

It's now 111 days since I have started my journey of sobriety and regaining mental health. I am defiantly in a different place than I was when I started but surely not yet where I am content with myself. I am continuing to better myself and be active within my sobriety. I struggle on a daily basis with this notion that yes on top of my many other "issues" I have this disease of addiction. This addiction knows me better than myself. It uses my weakness's against me. It adapts and adjusts to my cares and goals and tries piece by piece to unravel any joy I might create all to get me to use and further destroy my life.

I choose on a daily basis not let this happen. I feel like it's a Borg virus trying to assimilate me back to addiction using my mind, body, and soul. But I adapt to it. I have the tools to slow it down or jump its hoops to remain the person I have fought so hard to become.

I say this because some might think this is a easy task that all you need to do is "stop using". For me. For them. There are some days I am so drained that I don't want to fight myself but if I want to keep the path that I am walking that I fight the good fight with myself and keep moving forward.

There are many things in my live that I have a hard time accepting. I have expressed these things in previous blogs. I actually want and work towards being a viable human being. I have many great qualities that I haven't been expressing or using in my daily life. I want to change this. 

The Fight I have been fighting with myself has drained my self-esteem, a lot of my openness, and my willingness. Which has let doubt in, anger with self in, FEAR, pain. ETC. And it has let others that influence me to not be the person I would like to be. NO one should have that power or really has the right. And with running on reserves some days I would rather not be involved in "the drama" and shut my self off from it to be unhurt. But by me doing that I am just surviving and not living. I have this growing fear of living. That getting close will cause more loss,etc. but by taking no risks. By filtering out anything that MIGHT hurt, I am creating a risk free life that is no life worth living.

I enjoy helping others anyway I can. I haven't been helping many as of late. I have avoided conversations, events, friends, and social events that might better my depression, sense of loss and etc.  I apologize to people in my life that it has affected. My Partner. My Friend's ( you know who you are. Wink.) I haven't been me. just a watered down withdrawn version of myself. That is changing.

I am choosing to be me, to help and be apart of people's lives again. To be there for Jess, To help with my partner's father. To voice my true opinions again. To not stand for inequality. To be more than a "Tuesday friend" with Steph, to be more than a Facebook friend with Jen. 

I don't think in any way that I am better than anyone in life. Some might think this but if anything I feel inferior to most. Against all odd's I choose to be different than that. I deserve happiness again. A sense of family, even if some think it's wrong, or you shouldn't be a part of it. To be useful and more than labels.

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