This weekend has been a really hard one with its spots of greatness. I seem to start all my blogs off with some negative thoughts or statements. I can't seem to sleep unless i am up for 3 days and then just drop wherever i am. IT's starting to get tiresome. I want my live to be different. I want to be from from these Demons, emotional instability, location.etc.
I feel like it will never change. how do I try to do anything finish anything with that pushing up against my brain? I find that lately I really need to find new friends that are healthier for me, that don't see me as what I lost and how I really am these days. I have let myself become what people think and forgot how to be me. Thats hard to deal with. So I am going to change that, But I realize trying to find friends in your 30's isn't an easy task.
Where do you even start when one you are in the boonies, a gay man and they just try to sleep with you or shy.I need interaction with people, and its hard. very hard. but there goes my ranting.
I did meet one of Kurt's really good friend Sean and it was nice to just socialize hear stories of different times in life. Looking forward to seeing him again.
I have had a bad weekend in the since that once again my brother and I have had a falling out and without going into the details, I am glad that I will no longer have him in my life. I don't need that drama and chaos in my life. And if fights happen I am wrong and it must be an "episode", not because of their behavior, not because their dysfunction, fights, drug use, etc.
When we had a falling out before it was considered my fault. my actions, and to be a part of their lives I let them believe it. I had to be trusted. I never got calls after reconnecting just to see how I was, just to see that if I can fix something. My relationship with my Partner isn't considered comparable to theirs and kids. And as my "issues" compiled, theirs were 10x worse when I came back. So this time around I am just getting a no contact order, Restraining order, and be done with it. (I made my mistakes in it all, but I still wanted something they couldnt give themselves or me...SUPPORT.)
I held onto trying to build a relationship with my only brother because my mother asked me before dying that we needed to have a real relationship with each other. I think my Mom would forgive me this time and let me off of the hook because it is just bringing my life down. And this time around I am not as weak as they think.