Saturday, June 16, 2012

After 60 days.......................b...r...e...a...t...h...e

So I just passed my 60 days in my recovery and I am finding it hard to find happiness in my life.  I am struggling with picking up the pieces of my life and how tough that is. Rebuilding a life with someone without as much independent support support as I thought I have is even harder than I expected. Or least in the way I thought what it looked like. I find it is hard to cope with everyday life.It's difficult to deal with the way that I am being sheltered by people. 

Friends don't want to bother me with their issues right now and I appreciate that greatly but on the same dime with being sheltered I feel disconnected and more lonely. I am more depressed now then when I was using. That is normal from what I hear, but doesn't make it any easier to cope with.I have many problems that I didn't notice when I was using. I neglected myself and so many others. And now that the fog is gone they all are razor sharp and cut deep with me. I have many life interfering issues right now GI disorders, MOOD disorders, MEMORY disorders, and PERSONALITY disorders. I feel like a walking wound, no one sees me this way because of the mask that I am wearing right now. I am short and my patience is like a raw nerve. Most of this is because of how I feel about myself. I am angry with how I convinced myself that I was fine with just being known as a junkie. 

There is so much good that I have to give. I know that. But either the hardship of rebuilding my life, some Post Acute Withdrawal Symptoms, or both is pushing me towards the side that I lived for almost the past four years. The logic side of myself doesn't want to entertain the emotional side of myself. It say "Fuck the things that are touchy feeling feelings. I am tired of you!!!!" Its a cycle of its own. I am betrayed by my body, emotional self even my own thoughts and memories. For anyone out there that think that is easy to cope with let me know how you do it. 

I feel that I am losing myself to myself. I was had so much clarity after leaving inpatient. And some would say to just have faith. I have tried this faith thing. Just faith in myself. And faith without feeding that faith means nothing. That faith falls flat if you don't goto church and if your just surrounded by naysayers or NEGATIVITY. People need outlets like church to feel like they aren't alone in it all. I believe in the importance of that now.

I NEED (and this might sound selfish):TO be RespectedTO be Believed in.TO feel Connected.TO be Social.TO have WORKING TECH.TO be Independent.TO BE INFORMED.TO be able to SHARE my KNOWLEDGE with my someone.TO NOT BE TREATED LIKE A CHILD.TO HAVE A PURPOSE.TO find BALANCE.TO HAVE FAITH.TO WORK DAILY on MY SOBRIETY.TO HAVE FAMILY.

Some of these things I can't find again or YET.  Family is one that is gone and I don't see getting back anytime soon. Tim is gone, Patty is gone, Mom is gone, Dad is gone, my Brother can't be helped, Grandma & Grandpa is gone. Family is gone. 

This deff feels like a rant this time around, This is rants of living I guess. That's all I can muster this week. I'll update soon with something more positive and meaningful soon.


1 comment:

Rudy Belova said...

Dear Robbie
Don't ever think of yourself as a walking disorder. Ever.. Know who you are? Your Robb. The same robb we all know and love! Some people turn to church for acceptance. Others go to support groups. I know you. Your strong. You will over come this. You have before and you will again for you are a very strong person. (regardless if you think you are or not, you are!! We all see it!) Screw the haters. Real friends stick around when the shit gets deep.

We all love you Robbie! Hang in there bud!!