Saturday, July 21, 2012

finding hope after 90 days

It's a couple days after my 90 days "clean day" and it is much different than I thought it would look like.  There hasn't been a huge change in my world besides that I am doing it with a mind of sobriety. And yes that is huge for me. Really huge. And the personality traits that I been tweaking with drugs for the last four years are bleeding back. I have a general feeling of depression. A feeling of being reserved and introverted personality. This seems surprising to me because for so long I have been beyond open and not had a filter in me when things i felt needed to be said. The filter is back to the point I am nervous to talk with people. I now start to sweat when I have to talk in groups and I stumble with my speech. 

I also have a general sense of things are going to remain the echo of a life and never really come together. This feeds the depression and anxiety that I now live with and creep up at their worst just when I start to clear and feel better. I try and express this to people close to me and my therapists and I never really  like I get the point across that I am really struggling not with my sobriety but my sanity. 

I have this huge feeling of not really being connected the way I was even two months ago.  Two months ago I think there was more of a feeling of hope. Then there was this drive to rebuild our lives.  We were driven to move out Wisconsin once and for all. To escape the pull of loss that my partner and I have. I was driven to go back to school and get a at least part time job to get off of disability to restore my sanity. There was hope of rebuilding a feeling of family again with my partners family and my friends. To restoring that feeling of belonging to something again. 

Two month forward, I have been torn down by health problems of the GI variety, fear, roadblocks of life and really getting a feeling of not being wanted in a family structure. This starts to strip down my overall feeling of hope. I struggle every day with the feeling of not being a part of a family. With both of my parents being gone, my brother using my past against me not willing to or not being able to see change. To throw me under the bus when trying to save himself and convincing the rest of my distant family to follow. To be openly hated from a  portion of my partners family. That leaves one fact: family won't rebuild. 

Having one's identity attacked to have their relationship dismissed hurts.

Life has thrown us some road blocks with my partner's father which has thrown my partner and I into have to face somethings sooner than later. It changes our timeline of leaving Wisconsin. That's life it happens. I struggle with returning to school because of financial and trying to fix the destruction that my using created. So school isn't an option and getting off of disability is likely anytime soon. 

My main point to this really isn't totally clear. I just know that I remain sober against fighting myself and my limitations. I just know that I have trouble asking for help when I need It and I am feeling I need help with reclaiming some hope and happiness. It's hard to do when a feeling of darkness clouds us....


1 comment:

Rudy B said...

One one side, if his family has objections or what not, it to me means they care a lot about kurt. My mother always said to me growing up "Don't bring your girlfriend (or boyfriend) over until you know your going to keep him for a very long time. Cause, you know i will bitch and moan til the sun goes down cause nobody's good enough for my son!" and she kept that to this day (and it doesn't help my brothers gf's are generally strippers from lakeland. Idiots! Its the hole, if i didn't love you, i wouldn't bitch and moan"

Hang in there. Im a LOT closer to you now than ive been in ages! We will meet up very soon. Will call you soon with details. In IL now. Hang in there!! Dan